When the Darkness closes in…

17 12 2008

Wait.

This post is not what you think it is. Keep reading…but only if you care to begin with.

Still there? Okay.

It seems more than a few people who read my journal get the impression – after reading the last few posts – that I am in a near-perpetual state of depression.

Actually, I’m not. It just so happens that when I do get depressed, writing comes so easily. When I am happy, it’s like, “Why waste time writing?”

If you’re really concerned, and not merely fascinated, pay attention to the posting dates: when depressed posts start to congregate close together, I would greatly appreciate you checking on me. But only if you care. And have the dignity to not pretend. If you don’t really want to help me, don’t even start.

So what about tonight?

If you’re interested, I spent most of the morning finishing the second movement of my violin voncerto. I have to finish it in time for rehearsals in January. Its world premeire, in its completed form, will be on March 7, 2009.

The afternoon was spent rehearsing for performances tomorrow and Friday morning.

Earlier in the evening, I went caroling with the Youth Group and Young Adults from church. Singing “Joy to the World” (all 3 stanzas) some 9 times is really taxing on the mind, if not the vocal cords, regardless of how sincere the singing. Once or twice, I found my mind wandering in a…”darker” direction.

It’s tough nowadays – the urge to give in meets the desire to resist and when the sparks fly, they are magnificent. Constant, relentless vigilance is demanded.

It’s easier during the day: the smiles on the faces of my students, the casual conversations with friends (who seem to be dwindling in number, much to my disconcern)…they all serve to give me hope.

At night…well, at night, I have to find ways to exhaust myself. If I don’t, the voices begin to whisper, and before long they are speaking too loudly to ignore.

Nowadays, they have fresh material.

Resistance often means going without sleep – so if you hear me comment on my lack of sleep, it is quite possibly a veiled cry for help.

It is almost midnight. Time to make my way home.

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2 responses

21 12 2008
meow

“It seems more than a few people who read my journal get the impression – after reading the last few posts – that I am in a near-perpetual state of depression.” – guilty, your honor.

“If you’re really concerned, and not merely fascinated, pay attention to the posting dates: when depressed posts start to congregate close together, I would greatly appreciate you checking on me.” – will take note of that.

well, if blogging helps, i hope you don’t stop. it also helps us know what to pray about for you and what to ask you about.

23 12 2008
big apple

hi sir 🙂

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